


Pray

by Wonkyun



Series: Changkyuns suffer [5]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abuse of Authority, Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Depression, Fix It Fic, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Loneliness, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Victim Blaming, Victim blaming by victim, changkyun finally gets the hug he deserves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 17:47:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Changkyun knows that they will disgusted when he tells them the truth. He knows that he will be kicked out of the band, will finally get what's been coming for him ever since he let that man ruin him without his consent. The only problem is that changkyun cant seem to get the right words out to explain the situation properly, because if he was, hoseok would definitely not be crying or apologizing.





	Pray

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> Implied/referenced rape/noncon  
> Implied/referenced underage sex  
> Implied/referenced sexual abuse   
> Suicidal thoughts and ideation 
> 
>  
> 
> Inspired by:  
> Pray - Sam Smith   
> Let You Down- Etham (acoustic version)

The atmosphere is tense as they sit on the comfy couch in the dorm living room. Hyunwoo is at changkyuns left side while hoseok is on his right, the others are gone from the dorm for the evening, something about a cinema day out. Changkyun wants to apologize, can feel it on the tip of his tongue, an apology for causing a scene, another for causing such trouble and most importantly one for being his attention seeking slutty self. Changkyun doesn't apologize though, can't find his voice among all the emotions warring inside of his frail skinny body, he tries to force himself to look up, to look at his band mates, but he can't. Changkyun knows he is not worthy of even being in the same room as them let alone making eye contact with them as if in any world they were equals.

 

Changkyun knows that they have questions and this time he knows he won't be so lucky as to dodge or delay them. They will get their answers and changkyun will get what he deserves, what's been coming for him since the moment he opened his body up to his own personal devil, let him take residence in a place that did not belong to him. Changkyun will give them answers, they deserve to know the truth and he deserves to finally pay the price for his faults.

 

"Changkyun... umm I don't really know where to even start... Maybe just tell us what you were doing in jinsuns office??" Hyunwoo had been increasingly uncomfortable from the minute that gunhee arrived at the dorm beaten and bruised with an equally bruised and sore changkyun in tow, clothes carelessly thrown on and tear tracks down his face. Changkyun however can not blame the leader for his feelings of awkwardness , if he were in the position of a leader where somebody he was in charge of was running around having sex with one of their managers then he would have been very uncomfortable aswell. Hyunwoo probably had all sorts of ideas floating in his head about what changkyun was doing, and while changkyun hated to admit it, most of the ideas were probably very close to the truth.

 

" I was having sex with manager jinsun." Changkyun says simply, surprised at how easy it is to tell them, he thought he would never be able to admit his dirty little secret but here he is , openly admitting it, maybe because he knows there is no way of getting out of it this time, might aswell tell the truth and get it over with, gunhee would have told them anyways. 

Changkyun feels the familiar twinges of self hatred and disgust in his stomach fighting to make their way up his throat but he pushes them down, now is not the time to make himself sick with his unimportant feelings, now is the time to face the problems he's caused and let fester for too many years. All changkyun hopes is that this will bring him at least a small bit of relief, make him feel a little less guilty about months of lies and half truths told to his group members. He can only hope he is awarded at least a sliver of goodness in his sad life. 

 

Hyunwoo and hoseok look shocked for a few moments, both unsure of what to say and how to process what was just revealed to them. Hoseok is staring intently at the ugly bruise that has started to show on changkyuns face and it's obvious that he's trying to find his words. Hyunwoo has his usually calm face screwed up into something sour while he scrunches his eyebrows, an undecipherable look in his eyes. Changkyun doesn't really know what to follow up with, all that wants to come out of his mouth is apologies but he knows better than to try to beg for forgiveness when he doesn't deserve such a blessing. He can't ask for forgiveness until he pays the price for his sins.

 

"Changkyun, he hurt you, you can't expect me to believe that you were just having sex, not to mention you are only seventeen, that's underage." Hyunwoo sounds confused and worried, changkyun tries not to think too much about that worried lilt, it will probably disappear along with everything good in his life when he tells them the truth. Hyunwoo won't even be able to look at him when he finds out, let alone feel worried about his wellbeing.

 

"I wouldn't be quiet, that's why he hurt me. It's my own fault, I shouldn't have made so much noise." Changkyun bows his head in shame, he wouldn't have gotten the large bruise covering half of his face if he had just been good. Sure he didn't like it but he knew better than to anger jinsun by making it obvious that he was not enjoying himself, sometimes jinsun liked to pretend that changkyun wanted what he was doing, he got angry when changkyun broke that fantasy.

 

Both hoseok and hyunwoo take a very sharp intake of breath, as if changkyun had just said something outrageous, which he supposes he has in a way, it's unusual for somebody to outright admit theyre at fault for getting themselves hurt. Changkyun cant help but feel a small bit of self pride with how easily he is telling his bandmates the truth , although the ease in which he is subsequently ruining his life is a bit worrying. It is one thing for him to wish death upon himself but it is another entirely to feel such ease at bringing pain into his life without death, he shouldn't want to suffer anymore than he already feels he has. 

"Changkyun ah ... did you .... did you want to have sex with jinsun?" Hyunwoos voice is soft and quiet, as if he was talking to a particularly skittish animal whom he didn't want to scare away, changkyun thought that tone was wildly inappropriate for this situation. Changkyun is far from any innocent animal who can't be held accountable for what happens without its control. Changkyun knows that he is mostly responsible for his toxic relationship with jinsun, if he had recognised the obvious signs earlier than he would not be in the situation he is in right now .

 

***  
"Very good changkyun, you're really improving, will you come over here for a minute sweetheart." Jinsun smiled softly at changkyun ,who was sweating in his dance practice gear, as he made his way across the practice room to stand infront of the manager, looking up at the handsome man eagerly. Changkyun had just joined the company two months ago and so far it was the best thing he'd ever done, he loved the dancing and once he even got to practice rapping with some of the older boys in the company.

Jinsun places his big hands down on the boys thin shoulders, rubbing gently to help him relax properly, encouraging the boy to become more comfortable and loose around him. "Changkyun, I know your mother's not doing so great at the moment, but please remember that I am here for you if you need any help, or even just someone to talk to, do you understand."

Changkyun smiled up at him, only faltering slightly when the man's hands moved lower and started to roam his slight body, kneading small circles into the boys soft skin. Changkyun was a bit uncomfortable with the man's hands all over his body but he knew jinsun meant well, he was just trying to make changkyun feel more relaxed and safe.

A slight pinch to his side reminded the boy that he had not yet replied to jinsun, he was mortified at the blatant rudeness he had just showed. Quick to pacify he enthusiastically nodded his head.

"Of course sir, I know you will help me." Jinsun nodded his head in acceptance of the answer and then resumed where his wandering hands had left off. A slight smirk appeared on jinsuns face as changkyun squirmed a bit in his hold, changkyun didn't want the man to touch him but he was afraid of what might happen if he pulled away, he needed the man to help him, his mother was sick and he had nobody else. Maybe the man was just really enthusiastic about wanting changkyun to feel comfortable.

"Why don't you come up to my office with me right now, sweetheart, and we'll have a nice chat. I want to properly welcome you to the company." Jinsun said as he led changkyun out of the room with a heavy possessive hand pressed down on his bony shoulder.

***

 

If only changkyun had known what he was about to walk into that day, if only he had not been so naive as to think that jinsun was that helpful and kind to all of the trainees, as if he called them all sweetheart and bought them nice things when they behaved. If only changkyun had never stepped foot in the God forsaken building then maybe he wouldn't have had to spend years crying himself to sleep in pure pain and utter loneliness, then maybe he wouldn't be here in this moment broadcasting his life as if it were a cheap drama plot.

That was something jinsun had always done, rewarded changkyun for being good, for being the perfect submissive for him, for not screaming and crying and sobbing until he couldn't breathe. When changkyun was younger he used to be rewarded with small things, like sweets and teddy bears and pocket money. As he got older the gifts got more elaborate and expensive, things like electronics and clothes and jewellery were often gifted to him when he was particularly well behaved. Changkyun still wears the designer watch that jinsun bought him for his fifteenth birthday, even though every time he puts it on he can feel the phantom hands of jinsun pinning his wrists together.

Changkyun thought over hyunwoos question. Did he want to have sex with jinsun, well that was an easy question, of course he didn't want it, but that barely mattered . As if changkyuns consent had ever played any role in the whole relationship, his consent was about as unimportant as him being underage. 

"Well, no, I didn't want it, but I asked for it. It's not really my choice to make anyways ." Changkyun admitted truthfully, ashamed of himself for admitting that he was a slut that asked for it when he was only fourteen. Changkyun knew what the others must be thinking, going after an older powerful man when he was so young, how low could one really go. They must think that changkyun was willing to do just about anything to get a chance to debut

"Changkyun... god changkyun, how long has this been going on." Hoseok sounds disgusted and frankly, quite horrified, and changkyun feels a cold stab in his heart at the tone. He knew this would happen, knew they would hate him and be disgusted but it's one thing knowing that and a complete other to experience it. He sees hyunwoo clench his fists so tightly that his knuckles go white, why did changkyun think this wouldn't have ended in him being punched, hes just as naive now as he was then.

 

"I don't know, since I was about fourteen. Jinsun helped me out and I owe him." Changkyun tells them , trying to keep the desperate tone out of his voice, the last thing he needs is for them to see how weak he really is. He wants them to know that he didn't sleep with jinsun so he could debut, he didn't do it for money either, he wants them to know that even though he asked for it he didn't want it and he got nothing of value from the relationship.

 

Hyunwoo abruptly turns his head away from the floor in favour of staring right at changkyun, a look of disbelief and anger and twenty other emotions swirling in his dark eyes, which are slightly misting over. Changkyun stares back for a second before hurriedly focusing his gaze on the wall instead, he needs to apologize, he needs to make this right , he needs to make them understand that while he is a slut he didn't mean to be , he didn't want any of this.

 

"Im sorry, im so sorry.. I didn't want it but I asked for it and I told him to stop and he wouldn't stop and im so sorry and I know im a slut and I deserved it but I didn't do it for money or anything like that, I promise, im so sorry, please don't hate me, im sorry." Changkyun didn't mean to blabber and wail but once he opened his mouth it seemed like he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out without his permission. Tears streaming down his cheeks as he clutches his head in his hands, desperately trying to convince his group members that he is not as much of a whore as they are probably thinking. Desperately tries to convince them that he isn't as dirty as he feels and that this whole thing is not his fault, but he knows how it works, knows he can't expect them to believe it when he doesn't believe it himself.

 

"No..no..no. Changkyun. We don't hate you , I promise we don't blame you for any of this , it wasn't your fault. I promise we will help you , im so sorry we didn't protect you , we're so sorry, we had no idea." Hoseok is now crying too, big chest heaving sobs as he desperately holds onto changkyun, pulling the far too skinny boy to his chest and muttering reassurances into his sweaty hair. Hyunwoo soon joins into the cuddle by leaning into changkyuns side and crying silently into his shoulder, muttering his own apologies to the shaking boy in his arms. Both too shocked to fully process what has just been revealed to them by their youngest member.

 

Changkyun slowly steadies his crying and leans back into the arms of his oldest band mates, he knows he doesn't deserve this, knows he doesn't deserve their forgiveness so soon or at all really. He knows that this is just a natural reaction to this kind of situation, that once the boys calm down and really think over what has been told then they will realise the truth of the situation, they will realise how used and dirty changkyun is and then they will dole out a fitting punishment for him, one he knows he deserves. Changkyun can only pray that he comes out of this alive.

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end of this series for now. I know that the end isn't all happy with issues solved and wrapped up pretty but I wanted this to be realistic. In reality a hug and a few words would not completely reverse changkyuns whole way of thinking. His band mates do not hate him nor do they blame him , it will just take awhile for changkyun to feel the same way about the situation.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with the story and showing your love through comments and kudos. This has been very enjoyable to write and I hope everyone else enjoyed it to . (I hope it satisfies your cravings for changkyun angst.)


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